Sitting alone in my room I am trying to type down my thoughts, thoughts which are unsure,jumbled and wandering all around. Writing all theses thoughts there is a sense of calmness, the same calmness which surrounds the sea shore after a storm. Its like I was expecting all this and waiting for it to happen though I didn’t want to…but it was inevitable
It’s been a while now since I knew that I really loved her, and I have tried to both show and tell her in so many ways… and I think she knows it now, if not, then it means I haven’t done enough but I hope she does. It’s not a whim or a momentary thing that will change with the weather or the seasons. It is love and I didn’t love her because I need to be in a relationship, or because I’m lonely. I love her because of who she is… because she is the exact person I have been looking for. Because I love each moment I get to talk to her. Because to me she is so beautiful in every way possible! Because just the thought of her makes me happy. When I think of her, I can’t help but think of so many great plans… adventures… sweet moments together, so happy. So much that could have been.
To say that she is likeable would be an understatement…she is irresistibly lovable. To know her more is like keep knowing someone who is just different from everyone else…different in the sense that she is so much herself all the time. Not the kind of girl who tries to impress you and some of the things she said are so overwhelming that you can just amaze about it. She is a girl whose conversations are sometimes more matured than her age and at the same time she is unsure of her shopping sense and not even hesitant to admit it. Kind of girl you can depend on at the same time can take care of . There is something about her which tells me that she is the one worth my efforts but during all this time I have also tried to see other things… her side of things. I have observed her get excited about her plans with everybody else, and observed her hesitate about any plans with me. Sometimes I’m the afterthought, or the no thought at all, and the priorities seldom ever seem fall on my side. Her answers for me are always so noncommittal. It’s almost always me reaching out for her hand asking her to stay.
I’m not sure if she is afraid that I will eventually hurt her (I won’t) or that I’ll keep her from being free to be herself (I wouldn’t) or if the truth is that I’m simply not there in her heart. May be it all comes down to the fact that we were never close enough so that she can know me and this the only thing I regret because there is something which tells me that we were meant to be with each other…I am under no illusions, I know I am not the kind of guy a girl would fall for in first look and or the kind of guy who could make a girl fall for him over phone calls, In fact most of the time talking to her I found myself lost for words. There might be other negatives such as being too expecting or persuading as she pointed out few times and I don’t deny it because she must have felt that. There were times when even I also felt that I am being selfish. I wanted to meet her though now she might not be interested in that.
But to be honest even with all this, I thought that I was good enough for someone I would love, all these years everyone around me made me feel like that but it was not to be. I have always thought that if you love someone then you must feel happy because love should give you hope, inspiration and happiness. If you are in love but your days don’t look brighter and you are not inspired to work for future with your loved one then there is definitely something wrong either in you or in your love. For me there were times when I was desperate and didn’t liked all that confusion and complications around but now when everything is almost over, I feel I long for those things but being the girl she is , she doesn’t want me to hang around for her and I understand that.
Now I don’t want myself to resent because of my one-sided love. The truth is difficult to accept but may be she has discovered that she has nothing for me, and I have to find a way to come to terms with it, because to love somebody truly who does not love you back is to die a little every day. It’s so very hard…And more importantly, I love her so much that all I truly want for her is to be in love with someone the way that I am in love with her, and to have him love her back just the same. she deserves that, everyone deserves it. If that someone is not me (but I wish with all my heart it could have been), then I should get out of the way so that she can find someone as perfect for her as I think she is for me. I think its supposed to be done like this………
I don’t want to think like that its over for forever, even if it might be the case here…..
