Getting hang of my own thoughts

Sitting alone in my room I am trying to type down my thoughts, thoughts which are unsure,jumbled and wandering all around. Writing all theses thoughts there is a sense of calmness, the same calmness which surrounds the sea shore after a storm. Its like I was expecting all this and waiting for it to happen though I didn’t want to…but it was inevitable  
                 It’s been a while now since I knew that I really loved her, and I have tried to both show and tell her in so many ways… and I think she knows it now, if not, then it means I haven’t done enough but I hope she does. It’s not a whim or a momentary thing that will change with the weather or the seasons. It is love and I didn’t love her because I need to be in a relationship, or because I’m lonely. I love her because of who she is… because she is the exact person I have been looking for. Because I love each moment I get to talk to her. Because to me she is so beautiful in every way possible! Because just the thought of her makes me happy. When I think of her, I can’t help but think of so many great plans… adventures… sweet moments together, so happy. So much that could have been.
       
               To say that she is likeable would be an understatement…she is irresistibly lovable. To know her more is like keep knowing someone who is just different from everyone else…different in the sense that she is so much herself all the time. Not the kind of girl who tries to impress you and some of the things she said are so overwhelming that you can just amaze about it. She is a girl whose conversations are sometimes more matured than her age and at the same time she is unsure of her shopping sense and not even hesitant to admit it. Kind of girl you can depend on at the same time can take care of . There is something about her which tells me that she is the one worth my efforts but during all this time I have also tried to see other things… her side of things. I have observed her get excited about her plans with everybody else, and observed her hesitate about any plans with me. Sometimes I’m the afterthought, or the no thought at all, and the priorities seldom ever seem fall on my side. Her answers for me are always so noncommittal. It’s almost always me reaching out for her hand asking her to stay.
           
                    I’m not sure if she is afraid that I will eventually hurt her (I won’t) or that I’ll keep her from being free to be herself (I wouldn’t) or if the truth is that I’m simply not there in her heart. May be it all comes down to the fact that we were never close enough so that she can know me and this the only thing I regret because there is something which tells me that we were meant to be with each other…I am under no illusions, I know I am not the kind of guy a girl would fall for in first look and or the kind of guy who could make a girl fall for him over phone calls, In fact most of the time talking to her I found myself lost for words. There might be other negatives such as being too expecting or persuading as she pointed out few times and I don’t deny it because she must have felt that. There were times when even I also felt that I am being selfish. I wanted to meet her though now she might not be interested in that.
              But to be honest even with all this, I thought that I was good enough for someone I would love, all these years everyone around me made me feel like that but it was not to be. I have always thought that if you love someone then you must feel happy because love should give you hope, inspiration and happiness. If you are in love but your days don’t look brighter and you are not inspired to work for future with your loved one then there is definitely something wrong either in you or in your love. For me there were times when I was desperate and didn’t liked all that confusion and complications around but now when everything is almost over, I feel I long for those things but being the girl she is , she doesn’t want me to hang around for her and I understand that.


                  Now I don’t want myself to resent because of my one-sided love. The truth is difficult to accept but may be she has discovered that she has nothing for me, and I have to find a way to come to terms with it, because to love somebody truly who does not love you back is to die a little every day. It’s so very hard…And more importantly, I love her so much that all I truly want for her is to be in love with someone the way that I am in love with her, and to have him love her back just the same. she deserves that, everyone deserves it. If that someone is not me (but I wish with all my heart it could have been), then I should get out of the way so that she can find someone as perfect for her as I think she is for me. I think its supposed to be done like this………
I don’t want to think like that its over for forever, even if it might be the case here…..

Quantum funda of life

I have always found Quantum physics fascinating though I have never understood it completely ( but who has? ). There have been times when driven by certain enthusiasm I have thought, alright this week I am going to get over this quantum thing but i always get stuck somewhere and enthusiasm rarely stays that long. One of the things with quantum theory is it sounds very silly but its unquestionably correct, at least till now not a single experiment has defied it.

       Its said that Quantum physics is observable either at micro level or at macro level. It explains the existence and movement of atomic particle and also behavior of superconductors and super fluids. But apart from these things quantum theory also explains our life and world.....trust me really it does. ok not in that scientific sense (:P) but when you are sitting in a library with 'Feynman's lecture on physics" in your hand unable to comprehend it, you are bound to come up with your own theories. (and you also get some astonished stares from mates if you are a fiction lover like me :p)

       Quantum physics says that movement of sub atomic particles is inherently random and so is our life. You don't know whats going to happen next moment.( much like our Indian cricket team's performances, scores 300 one day and next day collapses for 140 :p).
       Quantum physics says it is physically impossible to know both the position and momentum of a particle at the same time, the more precisely one is known the less precise the measurement of other is and how true it is. There are times when we are really sure of our feelings and views but can't comprehend the feelings and views of others, the more sure we get of ourselves invariably we get unsure of others.I really feel here for Schrodinger, poor guy formulated a equation and the moment they tried to locate the particle the wave equation collapsed and when he was asked why this, his response was " just shut up and calculate". When asked about his involvement with quantum theory this was his response " i don't like it and i am sorry that i ever had anything to do with it". When people like him find quantum physics hard then what about a average guy like me ( that Schrodinger's cat just never dies :p) . 
   
       One of the really interesting postulates of quantum theory is that a sub atomic particle acts like wave and particle at the same time and it all depends on what the experimenter wants to see. This one works well in harmony with human nature and life. The way we perceive life really depends on us. Good times bad times, happiness sadness its all relative. But the best part of quantum physics is MWI. MWI means many worlds interpretation and it is amazing. According to it every moment the world splits into as many parallel worlds as there are possible outcomes of your action. Imagine you propose your childhood crush but she declines you and you feel broken but wait...the moment you proposed her your world got split into two and in other parallel world she has accepted your proposal and both of you are sitting side by side, holding each others hands and looking at the setting sun ( sounds too filmy na ..mujhe bhi :p). On the same note some experiments have proved that that “the two photons are so intimately bound up that it is justified to consider them as part of one physical entity even though they are spatially separate ( do jism ek jaan :p). So now lovers can explain (confuse) their parents about their love using quantum physics.

     Its getting late and i am not still not over this quantum funda even after such a long post. I guess its taking too many words and a thumb rule is that when you take too many words to explain something that means first you need to understand it better......errrr this means Quantum theory i have to read you again (not really).

Going to end up with two good lines.

Once Bohr remarked that anyone who has not been shocked by Quantum physics hasn't really understood it

Richard Feynman said that I can safely say that nobody understands quantum physics.

The awesome thing about above lines is that even when you replace "quantum physics" with "life" they still make sense.


        

Self Evaluation seminar

Writing this post my mind is really crowded with lots of thoughts so this post is going to be one of those messy ones. Though for some reason i have never been a fan of seminars and speeches but still I end up attending all of them hoping i might end up attending something useful. Most of the times I have been disappointed by those self development, personality development, public communication development or for that matter "anything related to development" seminars because theres nothing in those seminars other than excerpts taken from books of Dale Carnegie or Napoleon hill. 

               Today we had a seminar and I was expecting it to be one of "those" seminars but we were told that its going to be a self evaluation seminar and I thought they are going to talk about our mock test results but we were in for a surprise and what a pleasant and encouraging surprise it was. Shalini agnihotri ( CSE 2011 AIR 285) was invited for a speech. A commendable fact about her is that her father is a bus conductor and she is one of the three siblings, so in spite of financial restrictions she has achieved this success. Her speech was a good one, she talked about continuity in studies, interest, dedication, hard work and self believe. Its nothing new but coming from a topper it does mean something. All in all seminar was good one.

         Usually I take bus but today weather was fine and a cool breeze was on so I decided to walk to hostel. Walking back I was busy self evaluating myself in fact I am still doing it. Belief is there I know I can, if 900 students can do it then so can I. Hard work has never been a problem for me. I think I have managed the workload quite well and utilized the time to maximum during these two months and if I can continue this I should be well prepared. In fact for this specific reason of heavy workload Dad was not quite excited with my decision of taking up to civil services this year. He wanted me to first get over with my degree before thinking about it but I have different plans. Somehow he agreed to my decision of joining coaching but I think he still is not quite up to my idea. I know parents are never wrong ( at least most of the times) and there have been times when I have thought this is tough. On days when we have all classes in college it becomes difficult to remain attentive in coaching for all 3 hours and then there have been days when I have felt sleepy in first class due to lack of sleep but somehow it all has gone well and theres only 10 days of coaching left and I feel I am heading on the right path.

         And yeah the best line from Miss shalini agnihotri was " Preparing for civil services should be an enjoyable experience and there should be no half measures because good thing about it is that no matter you succeed or not, you will find a improved version of yourself after preparation"

Back to December

Life keeps on moving

it still is, but not knowing where

Its not that I am not doing anything

I have been working harder than ever

Only six months back it was, when

my heart and mind were together

than we met, memories struck back

heart started to miss its beats

and i was the shy boy once again

one who was happy just to see you

 everyday again and again

I was happy to find you but felt sad

because you liked someone else

Trust me I tried to walk away that moment

because i didn't wanted to be just friends

but walking away was too difficult

my love for you felt so true

though you never had any clue

I said things i always wanted to say

obviously you didn't feel that way

sometimes it felt really painful

to see others so close to you

it was really hard to accept that

i am not the one for you

and all this while my heart kept

falling more and more for you

you seemed so right for me

as if i was waiting to be in love with you

and for some seconds you made me feel

as if i do mean something to you

But then the next moment i was nothing

and you just didn't care

i know i did some stupid things

i might have said things you didn't like

but my love was always there 

and i thought you could see through

its been days and you didn't need me

and you have already said that

i don't need to worry about you

but here i am dying to talk to you

i don't know exactly for what

May be because i still love you

and i know i will always want you

you are the first one in my life

and i want you to be my last

But you say that now its all over

you don't want me in your life

was it all my fault?

how can it end like this?

here i am not sure what to do next

to try again or leave it as you want

whatever it is but life is certainly

not moving the way i dreamt of

may be i would do things differently

If i could go back to December

Anand mara nahi, Anand marte nahi

Recently a lot of sad news has come up our way, first it was an eye injury to Mark Boucher who happens to be my favorite wk batsman and then our own desi superhero Dara singh (read Hanumanji) passed away and yesterday we lost the first superstar of bollywood. Unlike my sister I am not a big movie fan so i have not watched many of Rajesh khanna's great classics ( though now every fortnight i end up watching the latest release with friends to bust the boredom) but still for me his movies standout because of great dialogues and some really beautiful songs.

Here I am quoting some of my favorite dialogues from his movies ( obviously with some help from google :P)

Maine Maut ko dekha to nahi par shayad woh bahut Khubsurat hogi. Kambakht jo bhi usse milta hain, Jeena chod deta hain.

 “Main marne se pehle marna nahin chahta”

 Kisi badi khushi ke intezaar mein … hum yeh chote chote khushiyoon ke mauke kho dete hain

  Zindagi aur maut uparwale ke haath hai jahanpana, jise na aap badal sakte hai na mein. hum sab toh rangmanch ki katputlia hai, jiski door uparwale ke haath bandhi hai. Kan, Kaun, kaise uthega, yeh koi Nahi janta.

Being a music lover Kaka's movies were a big attraction and some of my all time favorite songs are from his movies such as

1- yeh jo mohabbat hai ( kati patang)
2-  kora kagaz tha ( aradhna)
3- maine tere liye (anand)
4- kuch to log kahenge (amar prem)
5 - yeh kya hua ( amar prem)
6 - hazar rahen mudke dekhi
7- zindagi ke safar me ( aap ki kasam)

there are lot more of them but these are the few ones which come into mind instantly...may his soul rest in peace.....Anand mara nahi. Anand marte nahi’

A week without her

Its only been a week without her

but it felt like eternity

its heartbreaking to accept that

this is the way its going to be

looking back in recent past

its not the first time she has parted

and every time I thought this time

I will have to get my life sorted

we haven't  been talking all night

then why this urge to hear her voice?

its been years last time I saw her face

then why this heartaches and cries?

can't understand why is it so hard

it should have been easy

done everything to avoid her thoughts

tried to keep myself busy

week after week time will pass

little by little feelings might fade away

but my love for her will make sure that

in some corner of my heart, she will stay

CockTail of relationships

Two girls who are poles apart in nature live together and then a guy joins them and has a no strings attached relationship with one of them. After some time he falls for the other girl while the first girl gets serious about the the guy and while all this they remain very good friends. Sounds like a perfect love triangle, it is and thats all the Deepika, Diana and Saif starrer  movie Cocktail is.

                  Veronica( Deepika) is a girl who believes in living in the moment and does every outrageous thing she wants to ( obviously the fact that she doesn't have to worry about money helps). On the other hand Meera ( Diana) is girl who is introvert and somewhat society conscious. Now the guy Gautam played by Saif is a urban slick and sort of compulsive flirt. To keep the story short , Gautam has a relationship with Veronica but there is no emotional attachment between them and both of them are fine with it. After some time during a holiday tour both Gautam and Meera start having feelings for each other and at the same time Veronica gets serious about her relationship with Gautam. Now Gautam has to take a decision ......or may be not. To be honest theres no suspense what the decision would be... it was Meera and for very obvious reasons ( though after some emotional and "sacrificing love for friend" drama )



         Girls might be seen as more mature then guys but when it comes about thinking about their future Guys are far more serious. Every Guy tries to find that one girl he can take home to meet his mother. Recently someone asked me why every guy who meets her wants to be in serious relationship with her, may be because the guys think that she is the girl they can take home to meet their mom. One good thing about movies is that endings are always happy, first girl loves the guy, guy loves another girl and fortunately that girl also loves the guy so the first girl respects their relationship and moves out and all this while they remain good friends...nice isn't it?  but not in real life...first girl says she loves the guy, guy loves another girl but other girl is not interested and all this while they are not even friends and doesn't understand each other.... horrible isn't it ? this is real life

      We watch movies for fun and entertainment but one more reason is that we watch movies because it portrays the life which we want to live but can't. 

Running in the rain

Calm serene atmosphere,feeling of fresh air and the beauty of twilight - this is what a morning means to me. Given my hectic schedule it would have been easier to just doze off on the bed but for the above said reasons somehow I get the enthusiasm to leave the bed and put on my jogging shoes. Hitting the university road just before the dawn has become a part of my daily routine for last two months. It all started with a self challenge of completing 5km run in 20 minutes ( though i am stuck on 26 minutes ).

       Today it was like everyday, little did i know that its going to be a lovely start to the day. Started with light jogging as i usually do till i reached the nearby park to do some stretching and get ready to hit the road. When you visit a place daily you sort of start making friends with people whom you meet daily even when you rarely have a chat with them. Its like silent friendship, you give a smile while passing as if saying good morning or join in their exercise routines without speaking a word. Monsoon has arrived so it expected to be little cloudy at some times of the day but today it felt heavy. One uncle who is a yoga enthusiast( thats all i have seen him doing) looked at me and said lagta hai barish hogi...i replied in apprehensive shayad then he said phir to aaj running miss ho jayegi tumhari and I just replied lag rha hai aisa hi ( so its not only me who noticed others) ...and it started to rain moments later.

        Don't quite know why but i asked myself " hey Rohit are you going to wait for rain to stop? why not run in the rain ?...and I thought not a bad idea, its been quite some time i really enjoyed monsoon. As i stepped out of the shade and rain drops fell on my shoulder i knew its worth it. It took longer than usual to cover 5 kms but i was not worried about time, i wanted more of it. Rain drops falling all over, the breeze hitting face, jumping to avoid few water logged areas on the road and water splashing under the feet....i could have gone on and on. i was all wet, my shoes were drenched with water but my soul was drenched with positivity and happiness. It felt amazing, sometimes we need to stop inhibiting ourself and just enjoy the nature. A song lyrics comes to my mind which i have heard long time back and but can't seem to remember it properly but most probably it went like this

                                                       just try to love the little things in life
                                                             Like running in the rain


And yeah all day today i kept humming my favorite rain song

                                                           saawan barse tarse dil

                                                                 kyun na nikle ghar se dil